you are the smell before rain

How's your ex doing?
eh



Do you smoke weed regularly?
yes and i can't function without it



Have you kissed somebody in the last 2 weeks?
yes

What are you looking forward to this weekend?
more time w/ pdd

Miss someone?
always

Who did you ride in a car with last besides your family?
roommates

What color is the shirt you are wearing?
gray

What will you do Sunday?
work from 7-2

What was the first thing you thought this morning?
baby..

How is your heart lately?
beating perfectly



What did you do last night?
hmm... TMI



Last show you watched?
americas next top model

Are you friends with your most recent ex?
i don't even know who that really is

The last place you went to?
the bathroom

Do you still go to school?
nope

Where is your brother or sister now?
no idea. don't really care either

Has anyone ever told you they're in love with you?
always

Who is the first person you call when you hear of news?
depends on what kind of news. usually text random people



Do you get along with your parent(s)?
nope they're dead!



What's the last thing you bought?
food

How many credit cards do you have?
3

First thing you notice in the opposite sex?
(my gf) what she's wearing.. then i take it off

Do you have any tattoos?
yes
Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
i do have it pierced


Have you ever been arrested?
yes!

Are you dating the last person you kissed?
yep. yep yep yep

Last hug?
baby

Next time you will hug someone?
tonight

Where did you buy the shirt that you are wearing right now?
i got it in 1996 after being in a musical about noah's ark

Are you wearing anything on your feet?
no.



What was the last thing you ate?
toast w/ weed butter

What are you listening to?
cameron (the band)

What do you want?
my babe



Where do you want to live when you get older?
not usa

Do you burn easily in the sun?
nope i tan great

Do you prefer day or night?
night

Do you like anyone?
not really. i don't really like people



Are you on someone else's mind right now?
hopefully

Last time you cried?
uh.. this morning i think. no last night

Last movie you watched?
haha wow... haven't watched a movie in a really long time. i couldn't even tell you.

Last trip to the mall?
ugh

Last time you were excited for something?
this morning :)

Last person you saw?
room mate


Last time you were happy?
when she kissed me and said i love you have a good day

Name(s): andruw, phoebe
Nickname(s): for him: andy baby, squishy, babe. for her: baby, beautiful.
Birth month: march
Fav. Month: september
Fav.Songs: i know you wanna leave me..but i refuse to let you go... the temptations "ain't too proud to beg"
Fav.Band or singer: brand new. wilco.
Fav. movie: unfaithful
What's the one color you love? his skin, her eyes.
Wheres your dream spot with your sweetie? under sheets hiding away from the world.
Fav place to Kiss your sweetie: for him: your neck by your ear where it tickles. for her: in your mouth and biting the lobes of your ear.
Fav .Candy: his: sour candies perferably sour patch kids. hers: gummy bears.
Fav. foods: his: chips and dip, sandwiches, lumpia. hers: sushi, sandwiches, lasagne.
Worst food: his: hamburgers, beef. hers: cooked celery, lamb.
Describe yourself in three words: her describing him: subtly humorous, handsome, genius. him describing her: my entire world. 
Are you seeing some one right now? yes
If you are, who?  druw + phoebe = <3
What's the hottest thing about the guy/girl you like? he says: the way you look at me sometimes, makes me just pant for you. she says: when you say "oh my gad" when i'm...
Panties/thong/boys cut? he says: see-through underwear.
Boxers or briefs? she says: tight briefs.
Black, red or white bra? black
Long or short hair? he says: long hair she says: short hair. or the shag.
What do you sleep in? he's naked, she's in pjs.
What do you like your girl or guy to sleep in? he says: tank top and boxers she says: naked.
Tounge/no tongue: she loves tongue. he loves to give her tongue.
Gurls: Does it bother you when you feel a guy getting turned on? no i love his jr.
Guys: Whats with the obsession with breasts? him: their mine.
Who do you imagine doin it with? each other
Sexiest scent: he says: pussy she says: soap
What song turns you on? 112 - anywhere anything r&b
Sexiest thing your guy/girl could do? him: dirty little things  her: taking control of me.
Guys: makeup or no makeup for your girl? no make-up
Gurls: baseball hat, or none? i like his newspaper boy hat that he lost.
Boys: Sporty chick, Modern chick, country chick? flilipino chick
Gurls: sporty guy, Modern guy, country guy? my guy.
Ears pierced or not? yes
What do you have pierced? him: lip, ears her: ears
Night or day and why? night and dawn
sunset or sunrise? him: sunrise her: both
Showers or baths? shower sex and bubble baths
Gurls: Mr. sensitive or mr. funny?  mr. druw
Boys: Mrs. Crazy/wacko or mrs. conserative/i'm to cool for you...? mrs. wacko

ZODIAC SIGN: pisces
WORST FEAR: her: losing him: her falling out of love him, or cheating on me
WHAT DO YOU DO THAT MAKES YOUR BOY/GIRLFRIEND MAD? him: act like i dont care, talk back, not enough kisses, ignoring. her: lack of sex, falling asleep, not enough attention/
HAVE YOU EVER.............
SAT IN A RESTAURANT WITHOUT ORDERING ANYTHING? him: no her: yes
EATEN SUSHI: 
WISHED YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE: him: no her: yes, him being inside of me.
GONE ALL NITE WITHOUT SLEEP: yeah...
FELL A SLEEP DURING A SCARY MOVIE: him: probably her: no
BEEN BIT BY ANIMAL: her: no, i don't think so.
WANTED TO DIE: yes.
BROKEN A BONE: her: no  him: yes
BEEN SCARED TO GET A SHOT: her: no him: maybe
GOTTEN A CAVITY: her: yes  him: yes
HAD BRACES?: no
SHOPPED AT ABERCROMBIE & FITCH?: her: no him: YES.
HOPPED AT GAP: her: yes him: yes
SHOPPED AT OLD NAVY: her: yes him: yes
TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: her: no wtf? him: ....?
BEEN HURT BY A GUY/GIRL YOU LOVED: i thinK sOh
DO YOU WANT TO DIE? her: not while he's in my life, him:
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED AND WHY? her: 2 hours ago because he made me feel bad about failing his physiology class because i wasn't very good at helping him pass his final test. him:......

last night i was smoking a cigarette in the middle of the street.
my hands started to become numb from the cold chilling air and my socks were wet and soggy from the snow.
i had everything to complain about in that moment until i thought of you. 
i could have been in heaven. everything is fine.

Dear Andy,
    I'm sitting here waiting to get on my shift. Remember that poem you wrote about me and about the "inbetween moments" this would be one of those moments where I would be missing you because nothing feels right when we're not together. Without you life seems so plain and yes, meaningless. Like what's the pointof being here right now? To make money, okay, I'm slowly getting over Canada and all of it's entireity. But I can't even begin to imagine moving back to California. I don't exist there anymore, like my brother said, it's like i died and it's crazy that no one has a care in the world that I'm gone. I guess that's the reality of it all. It would be pretty much the same if I was dead. So I'm glad I'm alive with you in my life, I'm glad I made it,  I'm glad you made it, but most of all I'm glad that we made it. Right now nothing would be worthwhile if we weren't in love. I love imagining the different ways you might smile throughout the day. Like your smirks side smiles and full on toothy stretches. What kind of situations would trigger any of the above? What kind of smile would provoke you if you saw a a balloon being let go by a small child on the sidewalk, and watching him/her jumping up and down desperately trying to catch it again within it's tiny palms as it floats away into the sky lost high above the clouds; the balloon is green with a long blue string. Or what kind of smile would you have when I all of a sudden snore really loud in bed laying in your arms and maybe drool a little bit on your chest? I want to smell every scent your body may envoke. Sounds weird, but really. When you're aroused would you be more masculine and pungent smelling? or when you're obviously deeply in love with me in a captured moment is it sweet smelling like honey with a floral touch? When your hair gets too long how far does it fall into your eyes until it gets itchy and you brush it away with a pouty thought of how you need a haircut. These are things I day dream about until it's time for you and i to cuddle all throughout the night. I can't wait to be with you, I'm off to work, love you.


<3phoebe

my baby makes mixtapes mixed in cake batter and snowy white frosting and powder blue sprinkles and a cherry on top. ice cream flavors licked between anxious lips and tips or slips of his tongue divide forked like a spoon and a knife twisted into the left chamber of his heart where i nestle like a baby chick, your favorite bird and when i sing you silence my tongue with almond eyes silently stirring to taste. 

When was the last time i emailed you? i mean like really, emailed you? I cant even remember. so i'm here waiting for you to call me, i just finished listening to that yellowcard song that i was humming earlier (empty apartment) on you tube. and i think i miss you a lot. i start work tomorrow and its gonna be lame! im so not in the mood to like deal with people you know what i mean? like i just wish i could be with you and only you all day everyday. Now i'm listening to  brand new's the boy who blocked his own shot. too bad you outgrew that song, yes my love you are no longer the boy who blocked his own shot. amazing isnt it? how far we've come, how much our love has grown and matured just like our individual selves, though i believe you'd probably beg to differ in that opinion. honestly i think you have grown up so much, im so proud of you, im glad that i could be your witness while you rise and fall in life and it's uncanny situations it seems to throw at you. a huge reason why i love you so much is because you endure so much pain in life yet still have the notion to provide me with the purest form of love any living human being could ever give. i love you andy. you're supposed to meet me in bed in 5 minutes, and i can't wait. i love you. i love you. i love you.
you are the blood in my veins. =) sorrryyy to quote jesse i know you hate him now. let's dream for another 10 years? ready, set, go.

the sound of sorrow echoes through the chambers of my hollow heart. earth quaking my firmly planted soul sinking into draining sand and ticking hands are seven folded palms holding separate fates untold. 
a sheer musk of your scent draped over me like looming rain forest mists in humidity, wild hair tangled and twined between your fingertips divine.
face the north upside down moss moist with direction and flowers blooming in satiated heaps their mouths full of honey and petals stretch across skies to catch dew drops upon eager tongues.
a medley of melody and humming bird wings flicker in mid air breaking the stillness to cause shiver within it's equilibrium. its colorful tips rich in saturation by sunlit exposure and acclamation in spirits paint pieces sheerly projected upon bare floors like stained glass windows where you and i do. 
love awakening, love soothed to dreams, love and all it's entirety belongs to my chicago wind.

Let's sail away
Find our own country
We'll build a house and beds out of palm trees
Let's get away
Let's push our lives aside

I'll sport a smile
Take in some color
Under the stars
I'll be your lover
With no distractions I'm gonna treat you right

Well it seems like things are only getting better
Well it seems like we can never catch a break

Just a keep a hold on me don't let go
If you float away, if you float away
Waiting too long for a ship to come
Don't you float away, don't you float away

Let's go to bed
Let's stop debating
Look at the time
We're always waiting
But we're in love
And that should be just fine

Well it seems like things are only getting better
Well it seems like we can never catch a break

Just keep a hold on me don't let go
If you float away, if you float away
Waiting too long for a ship to come
Don't you float away, don't you float away
[x2]

And if you like (and if you like)
and if you like some other time
I would like to introduce you to the finer things
If we survive (if we survive)
If we survive, get out alive
I'd like to say how beautiful I think you...

Just a keep a hold on me don't let go
If you float away, if you float away
Waiting too long for a ship to come
Don't you float away, don't you float away

some people think they know it all
but nobody knows the way you look when you say
"wipe that smirk off your face boy"
they don't see how i know you from
one milisecond of a sigh how and
which way you're getting it
they don't get the late night/
early morning exchanges of more than
just language
the kind to make voltaire retire into monarcy
return to enslavement for envy
of our language
and we don't even say a word.
oh, if they fucking knew!!!
if they knew how entwined we are
like the constellations in the stars
like the marriage of music and lyrics
like coincidence, woops, serendipity, according to jung
like our hands, fingers laced never
cross my heart and hope to die
i swear nobody knows your heart like i do
as it resides where mine once lived
before i gave it to you to foster
and nurture, like we promised we would
like romeo i'm envious of his glove upon your face
but they'll never match the deepest color of red
the heartbeats that pulse from our ears
the speed of when my stomach drops
at the sound of your laughing
and it pulls me through, swimming thru life but all rivers lead to
you.

they can't touch us.

ok this is for real.

hi phoebe, i miss you. i'm sorry i am on drugs all the time and drunk with my friends. i am at a weird part of my life where i just don't want to listen to my conscience. my superego. the one telling me the good things to do in life. because it's been a really long life for me, and every time i do something by the book it blows up in my face. or it leaves me here. well here i am, left. with no idea of what to do, and frankly, nothing stopping me from making my life this one huge gangfuck fest of being high all the time and strung out. drunk and eventually broke. i am completely broke right now, haha. i wish i had parents to help me out, or at least fucking people who understand that this is really messed up.
i am probably addicted to a certain type of drug. i am serious when i tell you that that temporary state of complete euphoria makes my life worth living more than anything. any passion, anything. even sex. actually it makes sex feel even more fucked up than it already does. but anyway. i don't want to stop it this time because i am happy this time! i am so incredibly happy when i am like this, even when you are out there cheating on me with who the fuck ever has a cock i guess. i guess i will never stop thinking of you as a ho cuz.. you kind of are one, honey. but i'm not like that, gorgeous. i'm not one to be made a fool of at this point in the game. oh yeah, i've had my previous embarassments... my whole life is kind of one big example of an embarassment.. but i don't care when i'm on drugs.
when i was a little kid, when i had that perfect family lifestyle.. you know, before things became all fucked up.. i would have never thought that at age 22 i'd be a complete drug addict. i can't function unless i'm fucked up. i can't even take a shower unless i'm stoned out of my mind, let alone do anything out of leaving my apartment. which i won't be able to make rent for.
don't you see how it spirals down? it consumes you, it eats you up like nothing else in this world. and it doesn't hurt one bit, because the entire time i'm in another world. i'm in a world that tastes like sage and honey, that makes it seem like it's easier to breathe in.
i took it in order to function, and now i can't function because of it. weird how that works.

he scratched his head and stared at the light glittering on the alarm clock. it pulsed a red glowing 6:55, aching like a knife wound. when would 7 a.m. come? when would he have an excuse to form some kind of kinetic energy? when would he satisfy the needs of his psyche by getting out of bed for the first time in five days? he closed his eyes again, opened them and blinked.
and he awoke to a different pulse. it was an outer-body pulsing. he could feel it on his skin, but not in his body. he glanced down.
she was breathing harder and louder than he was, a little gaspy exhaltation accompanied the release of carbon dioxide from her lungs. she was shirtless, yet not completely naked. her arms wrapped around his body like a pretzel, her cheek and her lips resting on is bare chest.


what the fuck? i feel like i am writing softcore porn. ha wtf
that insurmountable surge of creativity lasted a good 4 minutes. good job andruw with your long attention span. asshole

 good god, just fuck off then. leave me the fuck alone. i fucking hate you. make up your fucking mind. do you love me? or are you a liar.

i'd like to let you know that you make me second guess love.
you're happy without me but i believe you when you pretend to be miserable.
i'm hurting so much right now. i don't even know why.

you left to go get drunk with your friends. you say you'll call me later but i know you won't, and i'm not that upset about it. cause i promised i would let you do whatever you want cause you deserve to be happy. i'm sorry for everything. for giving up on us a lot. i don't want to be vulnerable to you but i am. everytime i go looking for some cheap 2 week thrill i come up empty handed, i can never hold on to anything. everything around me is always changing and i seem to always be the one in the middle of it fuckin up. but you are there by default, my constant steady line, the foundation that holds it all together, the sand of my sandcastles. it's dangerous to love you. cause it hurts. and i know we might not win. it makes me cry a lot. because im so torn between what i want and need and what i have and am stuck with. i want and need you, i'm stuck with and have everyone but you. i will lay my head down tonight, close my eyes, dream beautiful dreams of you and i, and then wake up alone clutching my pillow. love isn't complicated, just complex. especially our love. and i hope you still think of me sometimes, because i really believe i love you more this time around i can't blame you for loving me less. and i can't believe i let myself fall for you again, this hard, i know now that i have nothing if i don't have you. i hope i can keep you. i dont want to lose you.

i miss her.



at times when the world seems so shallow, like the water i swim in.
you think i would think about the times i fucked up and hope for
forgiveness, maybe regret and some resentment.
no.
i think about the times i could see her smiling.
when we would sit together and talk, really talk.
she changed my life more than anyone
and i think to myself, why can't i do the same for her?
what have i done to really help myself?
i guess i am happy, but not as happy as i am when i'm with her.
when we're together, when we are in love.
and for once, i know she doesn't need me.
she doesn't need DRUW the boy that will solve everything
that will make her feel better, that will give her satisfaction.
she needs a friend.
and that i am not.
i am too selfish, too in debt for friendship.
a relationship, yes i can handle, but friendship?

she needs someone else.

and for once, i think that will be okay.
when i'm missing her, i'm thinking about her and the good times we had.
i'm worrying about her and wondering about her
what is she doing? is she thinking about me the way i think about her?
i wonder if she desires me in the middle of the night.
i've fucked up, yeah i know. i've fucked up pretty good for myself.
i tried someone else and no matter which way whatever happens
my heart still only beats for her
in her name
her letters
so unique to her. and us.

WE will overcome. WE will make it through.
the method of it all is irrelevant. i felt like i spelled that wrong
i still can't spell sandwhich

i miss her so much right now and i am kind of overcome with emotion
helpless, fearful, far
i feel scared for her. i want her in my arms
where is she?
are you okay darling?
i'm sorry. i know it's my fault
and i can't promise i won't fuck up again
because... my luck...
but i know what's in my heart and what's real to me
and that's you.

maybe love isn't important in life
not like food, air, spirituality
eating healthy
breathing oxygen
feeling whole
i get along alone fine.

fill a cup with rocks, and that's food. that's air, that's spirituality
but there's still room for grains of sand.
that's love.
it fills to the brim.
but there's still room for coffee.
it fills to the brim,
mixed with rocks and sand.
and that's to remind you that in life, with food and air and spirituality
and love
there's always room for a cup of coffee with a friend
and if you want
and if you need
i will be that friend
because i love you
and i'll have you any way you want me.

even if he's allergic and she prefers marmalade.

dear andy,
i miss you.
my witness to my life, you know me more than anyone in breathing radius.
miles away across the universe. i love you. i wish we could hold hands right now.

<3phoebe

i am done with you.

sometimes i forget that life is not supposed to work for me.
i feel like i am floating in clouds or walking in sunshine,
but sunshine turns into a narrow ledge 20 miles from the ground
and then i get grounded by reality, because happiness and druw do not share any letters
in fact, they do not share anything.

i am used to lonliness, but not used to longing.
this emptiness has never felt as dark as it does when i'm lying
alone in my bed or my mother's bed, forcing sleep.
spring has lost its consonance, summer has lost its freedom,
fall falls bleeding, and winter nestles itself in my arms.
my fingers turn into ice, stabbing static on my tv.

you are the only light.
when it seems like i'm not in the zone
it's because i don't want to contaminate your life.
you are the only thing i look forward to.
i miss you,
and you give me something worth living for.
come save me, for once.

sweaty palms tracing faces in the dark
one a.m. ringing in my head while i'm waiting for more than the sky to keep me warm tonight
wanting nursery rhyme schemes in rhythm with another heart, it's beating me down and i bury my eyes in my pillow. please be soft with me. because i feather dreams between your breathing, and i hope you're not out of breath from internal...

go back to sleep now, my darling.
closed eyes versus eyes squeezed shut
i hope she was tight for you.
wet bed nightmare.
please don't say her name when you come
home to me.

Occasionally in life there are those moments of unutterable fulfillment which cannot be completely explained by those symbols called words. Their meanings can only be articulated by the inaudible language of the heart.

The language of my heart is love. It still beats in P's and H's and O's and E's and B's and E's. I hope you know it.